#6 – Read How to Win Friends and Influence People

Dentistry is much more a behavioral (people) science than a physical science. The most successful people who have chosen careers in dentistry have achieved outstanding people skills.

Some people seem naturally easy to be around. Other people can be boring pain in the necks. No matter how good you are at dealing with people, you can be better.

This level of tasks includes a book to help you have an easier, happier life not just in dealing with people in dentistry, but husbands, children, friends everyone you come in contact with.

Wouldn’t it be great if:
1. People would like you the first time they met you?
2. You could get people to willingly do what you need done?
3. You could get people to agree with you?
4. You could get people to “try out” your ideas?
5. You could get people to like, respect, trust, and even love you?

The first book is the original classic in the field of human relations: Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, written in 1936 (over 16,000,000 copies sold!) The principles: lead with confidence, communicate effectively, treat all points of view with respect, and sell with integrity, are still true today. If you want to influence someone, you must gain their trust. Trust is developed by being genuinely interested in someone.

Don’t read this like a high school “have to” reading assignment. Use the ideas in this book to give yourself a better life. Thousands of people already have. In 1993 over 3,000 people were enrolling in Dale Carnegie courses every week! In fact, 3,500,000 people have taken this course since it was first offered in 1912.

Many people don’t know how to read a book for maximum effect. Here are Dale Carnegie’s suggestions:

In order to get the most out of this book:
a. Develop a deep, driving desire to master the principles of human relations.
b. Read each chapter twice before going on to the next one.
c. As you read, stop frequently to ask yourself how you can apply to each suggestion.
d. Underscore each important idea.
e. Review this book each month.
f. Apply these principles at every opportunity. Use this volume as a working handbook to help you solve your daily problems.
g. Make a lively game out of your learning by offering some friend a dime or a dollar every time he or she catches you violating one of these principles.
h. Check up each week on the progress you are making. Ask yourself what mistakes you have made, what improvement.
i. Keep notes in the back of this book showing how and when you have applied these principles.

When we meet together, bring your book. Fill in the section beginning on 267 “My experiences in applying the principles taught in this book.” Let’s learn together!

Chapter 1: Principle 1

Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain

99 100% people will not criticize themselves.

Criticism is futile it puts a person on the defensive, forces him to justify himself causes resentment.

Criticism does not make lasting changes.

Lincoln’s “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”

When dealing with people who have emotions, prejudice, pride and vanity.

Fool Can criticize, condemn, and complain and most DO.

It takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.

“To know all is to forgive all.”

Nothing kills ambition quicker than criticism from superior.

Chapter 2: Principle 2

Always give sincere and honest appreciation

The deepest urge in human nature is to be appreciated. This urge will be shown in need to wear latest styles, drive new cars.

Difference between appreciation and flattery is:
1. Sincere vs. insincere
2. Comes from the heart out and not the teeth out.
3. Unselfish and selfish
4. Universally admired and universally condemned.

95% of our time is used about ourselves.

Emerson “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

Chapter 3: Principle 3

Arouse in the other person an eager want

The only way on earth to influence other people it to talk about what THEY want and show them how to get it.

When you want to persuade someone, stop. Think. How can I arouse the desire in the other person to do it.

Henry Ford “It lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own.”

“Secret of Success” Ability to understand the other person’s point of view.

Part II Six ways to get people to like you

Chapter 1: Principle 1

Become genuinely interested in others.

The individual who is NOT interested in his fellow man who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others.

If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people things that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness.

To make friends, greet people with animation and enthusiasm.

Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you, but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company.

Chapter 2: Principle 2

Smile

A smile says:

1. I like you
2. You make me happy
3. I am glad to see you

You’ll receive more information in a smile than a frown. Encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.
Your “smile” comes through your voice.

Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will.

HAPPINESS depends on inner conditions not exterior conditions.

SMILE A messenger of your good will.

Chapter 3: Principle 3

Remember People’s Names

The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others.

Chapter 4
Be a good listeners

Listen intently genuinely interested.

People prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen is more rare than any other trait.

Things not to do today if you want them to like YOU
1. Never listen too long to someone
2. Talk about yourself
3. When someone else talks interrupt in middle of sentence

Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Chapter 5
Talk in terms of other people’s interests

Talking in terms of other people’s interest pays off for both parties.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Chapter 6
Almost everyone we meet feels superior to us

Show honest appreciation without trying to get something in return from others.

ALWAYS MAKE THE OTHER PERSON FEEL IMPORTANT!

William James said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” “It is this urge that makes us different from animals.” “Also this urge has been responsible for civilization itself.”

Jesus “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

Everyone wants recognition of your true worth. No one wants to listen to insincere flattery, but we crave sincere appreciation.

Little courtesies are the hallmark of good breeding.

Part III
Chapter 1
Always avoid the cute angle.

You cannot win an argument. When a man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.

Be Franklin said, “If you argue, rankle, and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometime, but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.”

Buddha said, “Hatred is never ended by hatred, but by love.”

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

How to keep disagreements from becoming an argument:

1. Welcome the disagreement
2. Distrust your first instinctive impression.
3. Control your temper
4. Listen first
5. Look for areas of agreement
6. Be honest, admit your errors
7. Think over your opponents ideas, study them carefully
8. Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest
9. Postpone action to give both parties time to think the problem through

Chapter 2
Never say, “You’re wrong”

You will never get into trouble by admitting you may be wrong.

Men must be taught as if you taught them not. And things proposed as things forgot.

Galileo said: “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.

Martin Luther King said: “I judge people by their own principles not by my own.”

Chapter 3

When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking. If we are honest with ourselves let’s admit our mistakes quickly an with enthusiasm.

By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.

Chapter 4

Lincoln said, “a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”

So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.

Most winning is done with friendly, sympathetic, appreciative, approach.

Chapter 5

Begin by emphasizing and keep on emphasizing the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.

Know the entire organism glandular, nervous, muscular gathers itself together into a condition of rejection.

Yes the organism is in a forward moving, accepting open attitude. Hence the more yesses we can induce the more likely we are to succeed.

Socratic technique was to get the yes, yes response, which works when used.

Don’t interrupt even if you disagree.

Chinese proverb: “He who treads softly goes far.”

Chapter 6

Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out.

LaRouchefoucauld, the French philosopher, said, “If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.”

Chapter 7

No one likes to feel that he or she is being told something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or citing our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants and our thoughts.

THOUGH HIS PLACE MAY BE ABOVE MEN, THEY DO NOT FEEL HIS WEIGHT; THOUGH HIS PLACE MAY BE BEFORE THEM, THEY DO NOT COUNT IT AS AN INJURY.

Chapter 8

Other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that. There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality. Try honestly to put yourself in his place.

Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.

Chapter 9

Three fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.

Chapter 10

The fact is that all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation. Like Jesse James, Al Capone.

In order to change people, appeal to nobler motions.

Success in steps:
1. Find out what the other person sees what the situation is. And then ask what we did wrong.
2. Until you finish listening you do not have an opinion to offer.
3. Let the other person know that they know about the subject matter.
4. Be interested and have sympathy.
5. Put the whole thing up to his sense of fair play, appeal to the nobler motives.

Chapter 11

You can dramatize your ideas in business or in any other aspect of your life.

Using dramatization, showmanship what a difference it made.

Chapter 12
The way to get things done, is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money getting way, but in the desire to excel. An infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.

Every successful person loves; the chance for self expression, chance to prove his or her worth.

Part 4
Chapter 1

It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some of our good points.

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement.

Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any indirect criticism.

Chapter 3

It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he too, makes mistakes.

Chapter 4

Always give people the opportunity to do things themselves; never tell people to do things; let them do themselves and learn from their mistakes and doing.

A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A technique like that saves a person’s pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.

Chapter 5

Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.

Chapter 6

Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.

Use of praise instead of criticism is the basic concept of B.F.Skinner’s teachings.

We all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almostanything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.

Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. To become a more effective leader of people.

Chapter 7

If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.

FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE

Principle 1
Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Principle 2
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Principle 3
Arouse in the other person an eager want.

HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING

Principle 1
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Principle 2
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
Principle 3
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Principle 4
Begin in a friendly way.
Principle 5
Get the other person saying, “Yes, yes”
Principle 6
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Principle 7
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Principle 8
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Principle 9
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
Principle 10
Appeal to the nobler motives.
Principle 11
Dramatize your ideas.
Principle 12
Throw down a challenge.

BE A LEADER
Principle 1
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Principle 2
Call attention to peoples mistakes indirectly.
Principle 3
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Principle 4
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Principle 5
Let the other person save face.
Principle 6
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation
and lavish in your praise”.
Principle 7
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Principle 8
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Principle 9
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Here are some thoughts from the PMA newsletter:

1. People can change, but is a slow process.
2. Good staff relate to patients better than doctors
3. Find out what people want and give it to them.
4. The hardest thing in the world is to make someone do something.
5. You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
6. The first impression is at least 10 times more important than any that follow.
7. We are 1,000 times more interested in ourselves than anyone else.
8. Everyone wants to be an important “somebody.”
9. Our patients must like us before they will want what we have to offer.
10. The least lovable people need love the most and usually appreciate it the most.
11. Telling isn’t teaching and listening isn’t learning.
12. When people are stressed, they quit learning.
13. Everyone is afraid of change on the job. The best way to control this fear is to improve your self confidence. Focus on improving some task in the office every day. Find something good to compliment in each person’s behavior everyday.
14. Support your team. When the team wins, you win. Listen and clarify team goal.
15. Dedicate yourself to self improvement and self education. Make lots of suggestions on ways to improve the practice. No one has the advantage of seeing the practice the way you do.
16. Read and study about successful people.

How Well Are You Playing Your Hand?
It was Voltaire who said, “Life is like a game of cards. Each player must accept the cards that life deals to him or her. With cards in hand, each person must decide how the hand will be played in order to win the game.”

One man who understood this premise was a successful young salesman who was convinced that an understanding of human relations and public speaking were keys to success, and that he could teach these principles. He approached the 23rd Street YMCA in New York about the possibility of teaching a new course. Its directors were reluctant – it was an untested concept, and this was in the heart of the Depression. However, they finally agreed to allow him to conduct the course if he would agree to be paid only on a commission basis rather than the customary $2 teaching fee. Within a few years the young man was making $30 a night in commissions.

One of his students was a publishing executive who suggested the material be gathered into a book. The young man agreed, and the volume stayed on The New York Times best-seller list not for the usual weeks or even months, but for an unprecedented 10 straight years. To this day, hundreds of thousands of copies are sold every year. The Book: How to Win Friends and Influence People. The man: Dale Carnegie.

Adapted from Words for All Occasions
Glenn Van Ekeren

Give me four or five specific real people examples using dental situations that use the principles in this book and which page it was on. Here are some sample ideas:

My Experiences in Applying the Principles Taught in this Book

Use examples from your experiences here in the practice

Response to: How to win friends & influence People

What staff has learned

I found one of the most important lessons in this book in part one- chapter 1. The principle 1 state “Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.” Last week I found multiple situations where my schedule was coordinated incorrectly. It was extremely frustrating and I knew would make my work day more difficult. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely vented to some of my fellow hygienists however I decided to handle if differently with the secretaries. Instead of marching up to the front desk and pointing fingers and making people feel inadequate, I chose to speak with Brigitte, the new hygiene coordinator. Considering that most of the secretary team is new, there are going to be mistakes made. They were taught to schedule prophies and some people have been confused. Brigitte will be posting lists at the front desk on proper scheduling for everyone to see while they’re scheduling appointments. I tried not to hurt anyone’s feelings by making them feel stupid. I am glad I used this principle on my approach.

In part two, chapter 2, I find the most unimportant principle #2 “Smile”. I feel there is no way to warm someone up to you more, than to simply smile at them. I implement this with every patient I greet. I met a patient in the waiting room the other day. When I approached her and asked her if she was ready to come back, she was not looking at me. She seemed very cold. I asked her how she was doing and she still answered without looking at me. When I extended my hand and introduced myself she finally looked at me and I was smiling at her. I think that this initially warmed her up to me and took the edge off. (Whatever that may have been.) In this same appointment I applied another principle found in part two chapter 5 “Talk on terms of the other person’s interest. ” Throughout the beginning of the appointment I continued to smile and was asking questions about herself. I found out that she was a babysitter and that I actually knew some of the children she babysat. We talked and laughed throughout the whole appointment about what she goes through on a single work day. I was glad that I and found out some things about her. I think that we had an overall successful appointment once she found out that I was interested in her and not there to just lecture her. If I hadn’t gave her the smile and found out her own interest for us to talk about, it could have been a miserable 45 minute for the both of us.

The last principle that is an advantage in dentistry is one that I use every single day. It is found on part four, chapter 5 and states “Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your aprovation and lavish your praise.” Any modification that my patients make toward a more healthy mouth is a big deal. I let them know this and how great it is, and just maybe they’ll have made another step toward a disease- free mouth the next time that I see them. I used this technique last week an STM patient. Who showed me the pattern they use while brushing their teeth. I told him that it was great to do that so he was making sure he covered every area of his mouth. Since he had the concept down we were able to move on and modify the technique he was using to brush his teeth. This principle makes people feel good about themselves. I think it encourages them to continue to strive for other things.